Tuesday 17 June 2008

Superman is not a Cat!

Cats are not heroes, they are more like felons- they are worthless. I met a cat for the first time a few weeks ago, and let me just tell you- I was disgusted. They are lazy, sloppy, dirty, and conniving, more like a feline felon than a noble animal of the wild such as yours truly. It was on a walk that I met my foe, he was sitting on a porch stoop licking the dirt off himself when I decided to say hello and make a new friend. That thing just hissed at me, then jumped over the wall and, gracefully landed on all four feet to walk away snobilly.

Miffed, I thought that was the last of the cats, but I have been seeing them everywhere, and each time I do, the experience is a bad one. So I have decided to become an Action Hero in order to rid the world of these prissy purloiners. Every time we go on a walk I check in every doorway, to make sure that security is maintained. I didn't used to be so nosy, but desperate times call for desperate measures (Mom thinks I am nosy now because I was allowed to go inside Wolfson college, but I am really just securing the area from the kittyfestation).

Part of my Action Hero training includes reading the guidebook (seen above), luckily I am an Oxford graduate, something no cat can claim. Also, I have decided that since cats always land on their feet gracefully, that I will land in a more canine way, on my face. Whether it is tripping over dad's feet, going down the stairs too quick or jumping off the couch, I am determined to use my face as a gravity deterrent until the kittentastrophe is over.

To prove my point, yesterday I practiced my Superman. Superman, as I found out, can fly! I don't think he is a bird, but I don't really care about them anyway so long as they stay out of my yard and my bushes. So if he can fly, I can fly. Yesterday, when a person came over to look at the house stuff, dad was picking me up to carry me outside rather than get the attention I deserve from anyone I deign to allow into my domain. When he got to the top of the stairs I decided it would be a perfect time to practice flying.

So I wriggled out of his arms and kicked off the wall to jump over his shoulder. It was a long way down all of those stairs, but don't worry- I managed to land on my face! No graceful landing for this pup! Everyone was pretty horrified, but I got up pretty quick to bite the intruder- and everyone got mad, the fall must have knocked my nip into overdrive somehow, or maybe it was the Superman-like flying abilities that gave my jaw more strength, I'm not sure. Its not like I broke the skin or anything!

But one thing's for sure, no darned cat can ever fly or be Superman like I can!

8 comments:

Benjamin Bengfort said...

Dog is ok, after his fall he was a little discombobulated, and he had a rug burn on his chin, but his eyes were fine and all of his teeth were ok, and no blood anywhere. But he did gave Jaci and I quite a scare! Jaci kept trying to see if he was ok all night, so much so, that he just started ignoring her, which made her freak out even more!

Anyway, he obviously had a little bit of a doggie headache after that, so I am guessing he isn't going to try that again!

Jaci is taking him to the Vet this morning for the final travel checkup, I guess they can also check on him for any kryptonite-like signs!

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